A Quick Moment of Clarity, Quickly Gone.

This whole blog is so melodramatic. But sometimes, I need a place to vent. I need a place where I can be melodramatic. I'm not this way all the time. Just when I need to let out the negative things that fill me up. My self pity, my self loathing, my jealousy, my grief. It's somewhere to let out my self centered, narcissistic, and selfish side. It's a place to show the worst side of me, where I know pretty much no one will read it.

I write letters to "you." I vent at "you." I reminisce about "you." I go crazy over, romanticize, and say awful things to "you." "You" has been about a million different guys since I started this blog. Doesn't matter. Better here than on facebook, right? Or worse, directly to whoever "you" happens to be.

So, here it all is. The worst sides of me. I'm jealous. I have self esteem issues. I'm boy crazy. I'm so damn narcissistic that I have a blog where all I do is feel sorry for myself all over the place. I'm not proud of it. But I need to let it out somewhere, and I don't think more than one or two people ever see this (although sometimes I wish whoever "you" is would see it, because I'm too much of a pussy to tell people things).

And maybe that's the problem. I'm not proud of the way I feel sometimes, and I don't have the balls to vent to those I vent about. Maybe I should just accept the flawed, negative, selfish parts of me and present them to whoever "you" is. Maybe letting them out somewhere healthy would help me work on erasing these character flaws of mine.

Or maybe I'll just post another entry complaining about how many guys I've fucked, how jealous I am, how I hate myself, or how I sometimes still think about Bitchfuck.

Yeah, that's probably what I'll do.

This Blog Is Where I Post Things I Don't Have The Guts To Say Out Loud.

I can't help but freak out sometimes. I don't know if it's wrong for me to be so bothered by you being close to someone who still has feelings for you. I feel like it's wrong, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this whole thing is wrong.

You left your facebook up the other day. Messages between you and her were up. I couldn't help it. I wish I hadn't looked. I wish I had covered it up and signed off, stat.

She all but straight out said she's not over it. You said she was better for you than some friends you see every day. You said you love her, and I know you didn't mean it in a romantic way, but it still bothers me. And why wouldn't it?? I want to talk to you about it. But I know you will make me feel like crap for feeling this way.

I'm just not OK with you two being friends. That's all there is to it. Sometimes I think I'm over it. I think those times are just when it hasn't been up in my face for a while. Then, bam, something like you leaving your facebook up with messages to her open happens.

You act inappropriate sometimes. You don't see it, and you wouldn't admit it, but you do. I wish you could see it the way I see it.

Oakland Is As I Expected.

Every time I see you're both online I hate myself. I sit and I cry and I stare at your names and the little green dots and I wonder if you're talking with her, and why you're not talking with me. And why I'm not talking to anyone.

I miss Chico more all the time. I miss having a house of friends and people I care about. I miss having reasons to get out of bed on my days off. I didn't feel so lonely then.

On days like these I feel like I felt closer to you when we were almost 200 miles apart.