Computermanic

You still fascinate me.

I have a folder full of nothing but pictures of you, and I look at it often.

Time feels insignificant when I do this.

You're still you.

It's a hard realization to come to that no matter how much you love someone, they are always going to end up as just another name on the list.

Does it always have to be like that?

October 6th

Lucas would have been 21 today. God damn that fat fuck for being 15 days older than me. And god damn him for not being around to turn 21. We're not going to be able to go drinking like we said.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about Lucas. I still remember exactly how he used to say, "Fuck you, Sloppy" to me and scream along with awful death metal songs in my car. No one could have taught me about cupcaking better.

I'm really lucky that I got to tell him how much he's meant to me throughout my life before he passed. I'm really lucky we got closer. I'm really lucky that I had someone as badass as Lucas in my life to look up to. I never thought that when I left him outside his dad's house it would be the last time I ever saw him.

Well happy birthday, Lucas. I miss the shit out of you.

Taking Advantage.

Someday she'll learn what I know, sweetheart.

A) That much eyeliner doesn't look good. It looks creepy.

B) You're not as special as think you are.

And at that time she can just join the club, while you find another younger bimbo to stick your dick in and mooch off of. It seems to me you've never gone for a girl older than 19, myself included.

Bon voyage, babe.

I'm going to the city for Lovefest this weekend. The more I think about Lovefest last year and about why I moved out of the city, the more I miss San Francisco. I really can't wait to go back this weekend.

I still don't know if it was worth it.

It's the birth control.

Birth control is making me tired, moody, hungry, unable to sleep, and insane. Is unprotected premarital intercourse really worth all of this?

Somehow I think we all know the answer.

The way things go.

Out with the old, in with the new.
Out with the new, in with the really old.
I liked the new
better than the old,
and the really old.
Don't go.

Numbers.

About 5 minutes ago my roommates and I compared numbers.

I am female and 20. My number is 27.

Roommate A is male and 22. His number is 10.

Roommate B is male and 21. His number is 13.


I feel bad. Really, really bad.

Once, in the not too distant past, I went to chinese food. My fortune cookie said "You will receive unexpected support from friends within the week. Accept it graciously."

That week the Photons came and rescued me from deepening depression by taking me on tour with them!

On the way back, we stopped for Thai food in Oregon. Elysha's fortune cookie said, "You will receive unexpected support from friends within the week. Accept it graciously." Strange coincidence, I wonder if that came true for her.

Earlier this week my roommate gave me a fortune cookie. It said, "You will receive unexpected support from friends within the week. Accept it graciously."

Two days later, some drunken guy was at our house and wouldn't leave me alone. Picking me up, trying to share the hammock, throwing me into the pool fully clothed, and wondering why I wouldn't do blow in the bathroom with him. Two friends came to my rescue. One threatened the drunk guy. The drunk guy then became angry with me, thinking I had been talking shit about him. So my other friend took him outside to give him a talk, where I heard him say that the drunk guy needed to leave me alone, because he was hanging out with Sasha's four big brothers, who were going to look out for her.

That was completely unexpected, and also the first time I've ever really been stood up for like that before. It was actually really touching.

Anyways, I hope more people start getting that fortune, because it seems to always lead to good things.

Reasons My Special Friend Rocks.

He took me to the hospital and stayed with me the entire 30+ hours I was there.

Enough said.

I ate the duck with Glacier.

dd i am on dd i am on dd i am on dd i am on dd i am on dd i am on ddiamonddiamonddiamondd

The best thing said to me this weekend:

"Sasha, you just get in everywhere and do whatever you want, don't you?"

Hell yes, I do. I am living the best life possible.

Yesterday my roommate and I did a cost-benefit analysis of boys and came to the conclusion that logically, they're not worth it. But for some reason logic can't really compete with thousands of years of biological evolution. Damn my reproductive system.

Guys are way more effort than they're worth. No matter what I always end up emotionally invested in some dude who for whatever reason doesn't reciprocate.

"I'm leaving the country"

"I'm too crazy"

"You're too young"

"My ex is moving into our spare room"



EXCUSES.

Then when I meet a dude who is really into me, I'm usually not interested. I am completely tired of having to be on either end of rejection. I just want something to work for once, and I'm not willing to settle. Whatever. As far as my current situation I am totally taking my level of emotional commitment down a few notches. I can pretend this situation is different all I want, or that this one really gives a fuck, but it's not and he doesn't. It's not "special." As usual.

Blah blah blah.

Last night I went to this huge party that was in this clearing in the middle of nowhere. As in the whole place was surrounded in darkness and overgrown fields outside of our little circle of light.

Anyways, I met this dude named Curtis. Within five minutes of learning his name I suggested we explore the darkness and took him out in the middle of nowhere. It was a really cool scene, we layed in the grass and looked at the stars, just talking and listening to the party go on in the distance.

Point being, I don't remember shit about him and am wondering how to avoid him in the future without hurting his feelings. Yeah, I'm a bitch. Guess I deserve what karma serves me.

RIP Lucas Keye

Yesterday I found out that my friend Lucas overdosed and died. I don't really know what to say. I'm still sort of in shock.

I've known Lucas since I was in seventh grade, and I always kind of looked up to him because he was such a badass. I'm glad I got to tell him that before he died. I'm glad that I got to tell him a lot of things before he died.

The reality of it has barely started to set in. I don't know what to do now. What now? I guess I just keep on doing my day to day thing. But... I don't know. I've never had someone my age that I knew this well die. I don't know how to deal with it yet.

I just can't believe he's really gone. Death is so permanent. I don't get to say goodbye, I don't get to drink anymore 40's with him, I don't get to hear him sing metal songs in the car anymore. How can this have happened?? Why did this have to happen? It could have been any of my friends. It could have been me.

I don't know. The only thing I can say is that Lucas was a fucking badass. I always looked up to him because he expressed himself so freely with no regrets. He was who he was, and if anyone didn't like that he didn't give a fuck. And that's how I'm going to remember Lucas. And every time I hear N.W.A. or John Lennon, or George Harrison, or T.S.O.L. I'm going to think of him. So many things are going to remind me of him. I just want him to be alive again. I don't want to believe he's dead.

I miss you Lucas, and I'm sorry.

"I am craving a good, clean fuck. Love is dirty business, but finding someone to fuck feels like freedom. It feels like power."

Reasons I Hate MySpace.

Today I looked at your myspace and cried a lot.

A Recent Visit.

Over spring break I was able to visit all my friends in San Francisco! It was possibly the best spring break imaginable.

Night 1:
Had a rooftop party with Tedi and some people from her building, then ran around the Tenderloin playing guitar and drinking. Slept on her roof that night and woke up to the sunrise and the "Inner City Home" sign. Was completely amazing.

Day 2:
Worked a shift at the Hound Lounge! Got to see all my dogs = ] I miss the crap out of that job. That night Tedi and I went to the Skylark and ran into Stephen Kovacic of all people. Tedi left and we were joined by Jeremy and Zach, and the night ended with me almost breaking my neck and me sleeping sandwiched between Zach and Stephen. Another amazing night.

Day 3:
Just ran around the mission and hung out with Rob. That night I went out with Tedi, and a total stranger in a bar changed my life by grabbing me and saying, "Hey I know we're just a bunch of guys in suits, but we're people too." He was cool.
Then some shit went down and I left and spent a few hours wandering the TL hanging out with some dude named Bret that I met. For some reason I decided to get on the 38 and what commenced was the best night of my trip, and actually one of the best nights ever. I met two cool dudes on the bus who offered me a place to stay, so I went to their house and we wrote the coolest song ever. It was a wonderful one night band, and I made a new friend. Killer.

Day 4:
Was hungover and just about sick of San Francisco, but still managed to make it through a little photo shoot on Tedi's rooftop. Money is good. That night a bunch of the Hound Loungers got together at Kai's house and we drank, played games, played music, and reminisced about when we all worked together. I slept at Jeremy's that night and it was tight. A good way to end the trip.

Anyways, I saw almost everyone I wanted to see, except for Photons. I didn't see any of those kids, so next time they're my priority.

Life in Chico rocks. I guess that's about that.

Until Something Changes,

Sasha

321transmissionisdone

47 minutes of a voice I needed to hear and me dancing and jumping around my house from happiness.


Yeah, I'm a loser and I don't even care.

58 seconds and a pretty bad connection, but from half way around the world I'll take what I can get.


It was just good to hear your voice.

Today I turned down an old special friend, stating that I was "sort of committed" to someone else.

I think that surprised even me.

Dogs.

I keep having dreams about the dogs at the Hound Lounge. Seriously, every night I have dreams about my old job. Damn, I miss the crap out of those dogs! And the people there too. Over spring break when I visit I'm going to beg my old bosses to let me work a few shifts for free. I hope they say yes.

But on the bright side, today is going to be an awesome day! I can tell already. I start my internship at the Butte Humane Society today. Puppies!!!!

Within a month of being in Chico I have been both on the news and interviewed for the Synthesis as "Sasha Slasher."

That is fairly awesome. Chico is sweet.

People just don't seem to realize how awesome they really are.

Sexual Frustration

Sexual frustration describes the condition in which a person is in a state of agitation, stress or anxiety due to prolonged sexual inactivity.

Lack of sexual activity is not the only cause of sexual frustration; the condition may also be caused by a lack of a desired activity. In many cases, sexual frustration leads to compulsive masturbation.

Hi.

I've got a huge crush on you.

Yes, you.

And I know I probably shouldn't, but... well I do. So sorry if I get nervous and talk way too much when you're around. Hopefully you still want to hang out.

Anyways, thanks for coming to my house.








(lets have sex)

I've got a debilitating hangover and a mindful of could-have-been's.

"Just so you know, I always get a little heartbroken when you leave......."

Yeah, that is a good way to ensure that you'll be on my mind for a while.

Wow. It hit me today that I've royally fucked myself. I left the life that I've always wanted to have, and now I don't have anything.

I want my old apartment back.
I want my old job back.
I want to be in my old band again.
I just want to go home.

Jesus Christ, I'm a fucking idiot, I can't believe I did this to myself. I've done some stupid things, but this far surpasses them all.

On the plus side, I did find the most badass place ever in Chico. As soon as the credit checks and whatnot go through it's mine. I'm happy about that. I guess right now I'm just going to try to block out everything that's been making me really depressed and focus on making Chico good.

But I'm still a fucking idiot.