The best thing said to me this weekend:

"Sasha, you just get in everywhere and do whatever you want, don't you?"

Hell yes, I do. I am living the best life possible.

Yesterday my roommate and I did a cost-benefit analysis of boys and came to the conclusion that logically, they're not worth it. But for some reason logic can't really compete with thousands of years of biological evolution. Damn my reproductive system.

Guys are way more effort than they're worth. No matter what I always end up emotionally invested in some dude who for whatever reason doesn't reciprocate.

"I'm leaving the country"

"I'm too crazy"

"You're too young"

"My ex is moving into our spare room"



EXCUSES.

Then when I meet a dude who is really into me, I'm usually not interested. I am completely tired of having to be on either end of rejection. I just want something to work for once, and I'm not willing to settle. Whatever. As far as my current situation I am totally taking my level of emotional commitment down a few notches. I can pretend this situation is different all I want, or that this one really gives a fuck, but it's not and he doesn't. It's not "special." As usual.

Blah blah blah.

Last night I went to this huge party that was in this clearing in the middle of nowhere. As in the whole place was surrounded in darkness and overgrown fields outside of our little circle of light.

Anyways, I met this dude named Curtis. Within five minutes of learning his name I suggested we explore the darkness and took him out in the middle of nowhere. It was a really cool scene, we layed in the grass and looked at the stars, just talking and listening to the party go on in the distance.

Point being, I don't remember shit about him and am wondering how to avoid him in the future without hurting his feelings. Yeah, I'm a bitch. Guess I deserve what karma serves me.

RIP Lucas Keye

Yesterday I found out that my friend Lucas overdosed and died. I don't really know what to say. I'm still sort of in shock.

I've known Lucas since I was in seventh grade, and I always kind of looked up to him because he was such a badass. I'm glad I got to tell him that before he died. I'm glad that I got to tell him a lot of things before he died.

The reality of it has barely started to set in. I don't know what to do now. What now? I guess I just keep on doing my day to day thing. But... I don't know. I've never had someone my age that I knew this well die. I don't know how to deal with it yet.

I just can't believe he's really gone. Death is so permanent. I don't get to say goodbye, I don't get to drink anymore 40's with him, I don't get to hear him sing metal songs in the car anymore. How can this have happened?? Why did this have to happen? It could have been any of my friends. It could have been me.

I don't know. The only thing I can say is that Lucas was a fucking badass. I always looked up to him because he expressed himself so freely with no regrets. He was who he was, and if anyone didn't like that he didn't give a fuck. And that's how I'm going to remember Lucas. And every time I hear N.W.A. or John Lennon, or George Harrison, or T.S.O.L. I'm going to think of him. So many things are going to remind me of him. I just want him to be alive again. I don't want to believe he's dead.

I miss you Lucas, and I'm sorry.